Ask Coach Lea
By Lea Friese-Haben
Dear Coach Lea,
I find myself attracted to women who are beautiful but mean. They are the type of woman who dates others behind my back, or the kind who is only after my money. I never seem to find nice women. I find myself attracting women who are mean-spirited and only interested in what I can do for them. I would love a wife and a family, but none of the women I seem to attract is good spouse material, much less mother material. How do I change this?
Dear Beauty Chaser,
I am concerned that you seem to keep attracting women who bring pain into your life. I am also concerned that you place so much value on beauty, which is such a fleeting attribute. You can always expect to be burned when you venture too close to the flame. I think you should find a therapist who can help you discover why you continue to attract these women. Whatever you are thinking is what you are creating. Your perception of the situation has become your reality. Change is never easy, but it is always worth the effort if it enables you to keep from repeating the same mistake. There is a reason you are attracted to these women, and a good therapist will help you discover why and help you to change the pattern. I wish you luck—keep me posted.
Dear Ms. Lea,
I met an absolutely fabulous man yesterday. Although yesterday was our first date, I can’t wait to see him again. He told me that he has not dated for a long time and that his last relationship ended badly. I have been looking for a man like him for my entire life. I think we have a real shot at a future, and am just curious as to what my next move should be. What would you do?
Dear Desperate,
Wow—scary. You could see all that after one date! Did you see the movie Fatal Attraction? What about character, integrity, family values, religious beliefs, culture, and other issues that are essential to a good marriage? All these things are revealed with time, and not over a couple of hours. You need to put the brakes on!
At this early stage, step back and see what unfolds. It has been one day since you met the guy. Why not give him a little time and some breathing room? The journey is just as important as the destination—so quit trying to rush it!
Men can smell desperation from a hundred yards away and will ultimately do whatever they must do to get away from desperate women. Why not try a different approach, such as being friendly and outgoing—not to mention self-sufficient—instead of looking for a man to rescue her?
Dear Coach,
I met a great woman at a wedding this weekend, and I would absolutely love to see her again. We had a really nice long conversation, and were seated at the same table during the reception. She left early, but did ask for my phone number before her departure. I was so excited that she asked—and as a result, I forgot to ask for hers. She hasn’t called yet and I am a little anxious. Should I call some friends and get her number, or should I wait for her to call?
Dear Excited,
Hmmm…it depends on how much time has transpired. If it has been more than three days, I would call the friend and get the phone number. If you really want to impress her, ask her out with flowers. It’s a very sweet gesture and will really make an impact. Make sure that the flowers are not red roses.
Dear Lea,
I am living with a great guy—not perfect, but great just the same. The problem is that my family and friends do not like him and do not want me with him, as they say he is to controlling. He does not like to spend time with any of my family or friends and forbids me to attend any of their events. This hurts my feelings, and he gets angry if I even bring up the subject. He said that if I love him, I should be happy with our relationship and not need to attend these events, and that he should be enough for me. I love him, but I love my friends and family, too—why do I have to choose between them?
Dear Denial,
Your relationship is not based on love. It is based on manipulation and control. You are in denial. I know from my own personal experience that a great guy would not ask you to choose between him and your friends and family. A man who tries to alienate you from your family is only concerned with his needs, not yours. Everyone wants to feel needed by those they love, but this is not the same thing. This man has no self-esteem and is relying on you to validate him. Without professional help, this situation will only get worse. There are even documented cases of such situations escalating to violence. Remember, someone who loves you and wants your happiness would never ask you for such a sacrifice! Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you can change him either (look at how hard it is to change ourselves). Please reconnect with your family—that’s what they are there for. I wish you luck and much courage. Please let me know how it is going. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!