By Lea Friese-Haben
Photo of Barcelona by Eric Fairchild

Keeping love alive! As a dating and relationship expert, I am often asked for new dating ideas for couples who want something different from the standard dinner-and-a-movie date night. In the interest of helping people in different relationship stages and various budgets, I’m offering a few alternatives guaranteed to stoke the flames of passion, and keep them stoked!

First official date
The first official evening date is a great way to impress someone and test the waters. I like to recommend Barcelona’s of Scottsdale. It has an ambience of Old World charm and elegance paired with enjoyable entertainment and romantic patio seating. It is also well known for its excellent happy hour and appetizer menu. barcelonaarizona.com.

New relationship—wanting to take it to the next level!
Enjoy a romantic dinner for two on a twilight dinner cruise on the Dolly Steamboat of Canyon Lake. You will love the serenity and the beauty of the Lower Sonoran Desert, and you might even be lucky enough to see some indigenous wildlife. The price of the cruise for two is less than $100 and will allow you and your date to enjoy a romantic moment from a long-ago era. dollysteamboat.com.

Get Carried Away for an Anniversary or Proposal Date
Imagine taking the love of your life to the heavens! Sip champagne and enjoy breathtaking views over the Sonoran Desert. An FAA-certified pilot will gently whisk you and your beloved into a radiant sunrise or glowing sunset. After your excursion, your pilot will return you to the desert floor, where your loved one will be surprised to find a beautifully set table and special meal prepared by famed chef Vincent Guerithault. You have a choice of a champagne breakfast or sunset hors d’oeuvres in Chef Guerithault’s unique hybrid of classic French and Southwestern cuisines. This special occasion will be forever embedded in the heart of your loved one. hotairexpeditions.com.

By Lea Friese-Haben

A Weighty Clause

Dear Coach Lea,

I love my fiancé and was shocked with the prenuptial agreement he just presented to me. The bulk of the prenup is standard; however, one clause in particular really caught me by surprise. I am not allowed to weigh more than our premarriage weight of 110 pounds. (I even have three months after all pregnancies to get back to my pre-baby weight.) If I break either of these, I will be fined and it can also mean that I forfeit everything. Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous? I love “Jack” and want to marry him, but I am not sure if I should sign this agreement.

Signed,
110 and Holding

Dear 110,

I would love to tell you that this surprises me, but unfortunately, it does not. Today’s society is filled with frivolous lawsuits, unrealistic expectations, and people looking for an exit to marriage before they even have a ceremony. My question to you is, Why would you even consider something like this? I am not against prenuptial agreements; however, I find this one to be horrible. Ask your fiancé to take this clause out of the agreement. If he refuses, you may want to reconsider your future with this man. I can tell you from personal experience and as a mother of three children that this is not a realistic expectation. It took me three months after my last child to get back to my normal weight, but even then, the weight was distributed differently. Expectations such as these could not only cause undue stress but may even promote eating disorders. Make him take out the clause. If he refuses, than you know that he merely wants a trophy and not a wife.

Meeting in Smoky Chatrooms

Dear Coach Lea,

I have a terrible feeling that my boyfriend is cheating on me. I have been with “Alan” for almost four years, and we have lived together for almost two of them. Lately, he has been spending more time online and has even added a password to the computer that we share. In addition to spending a lot of time online, he shuts down the computer whenever I walk into the room. He has begun wearing clothes that I have been begging him to wear, he’s working out for the first time in years, and is making an effort on his appearance as well as wearing cologne. I asked him if there was someone else but he denies it. I still can’t help but feel that he is lying to me. What should I do? I feel so betrayed.

Dear Betrayed,

I know exactly how you feel. I have been in your shoes before—the Internet makes it easy for cheaters to cheat. Trust your instincts, as they are always right. If he tells you he needs space, it is because he has already found someone else to put in your space. Your next move should be to move out and surround yourself with friends and family who love you. Be warned, however—when the dew is off the latest rose, he may try to come back. If you decide to take him back, he will most likely stray again, as he knows that you will always be there. Look for the good guys instead of the bad boys, and you’ll save yourself a lot of heartache in the long run. Good luck, and let me know how things go.

By Lea Friese-Haben

Hi Lea,

I just moved here from Michigan and am struggling to fit in. I was considered pretty stylish and attractive by Michigan standards but have apparently completely missed the mark by Scottsdale’s. I am an executive and wear tailored suits and updated corporate attire; but the women in my office are baring all, and leaving nothing to imagination. You cannot help but see cleavage spilling over, thongs protruding from low-waist pants and jeans, and more painted faces than the clowns of Ringling Brothers. The sad part is that I am not exaggerating! I am not comfortable around these women and even more uncomfortable with the men who ogle them. How on Earth is a small-town girl ever going to meet anyone here?

P.S. I never even heard of a dating coach until I moved here. Can you please explain to me exactly what you do?

Dear Small-Town,

Welcome to the Valley! Your story unfortunately is not unique. I know countless men who are sick of the plastic Barbie dolls and are actively looking for the classic girl next door. Stay true to yourself and to your values. Men may take these women out, bed them, and buy them drinks, but the men who marry them are certainly not the ones you want to spend your life with. Wear your Chanel suits to the office and a dress that makes you feel like a princess when you go out. Smile and get your flirt on! The men will come.

P.S. A dating coach simply assists clients in dating mechanics, image, and marketing! We are cheerleaders, sounding boards, and dating strategists!

Dear Coach Lea,

I am extremely frustrated with my dating activity. I have been dating for the last three years and have yet to meet a woman who even comes close to my ideal. I have noticed a recent surge in matchmaking television shows. I joined a well-known dating service two years ago and was horribly disappointed despite my costly investment. I have been pretty skeptical about matchmaking services, but with all the hype and current TV shows, I am left wondering if perhaps I am wrong!

Sincerely,

Frustrated Single

Dear Frustrated,

Your question is a valid one, as I have spoken with hundreds of singles and have yet to meet one who has had a positive experience with a dating service. I have researched the subject extensively and was shocked at what I had found. A number of these so-called matchmaking agencies have been sued or are in litigation.

I have found that matchmaking is typically strictly a moneymaking business. Matchmaking shows are meant for entertainment, ratings, and to advertise the matchmaker. A number of international matching businesses have been linked to domestic violence, immigration fraud and, sadly, human trafficking. The bottom line here is “buyer beware.” If you decide to go to a matchmaker, ask for a guarantee in writing, check the Better Business Bureau for complaints, and ask for referrals (then check those references!).

Remember, too, that these companies are in business and prey on people who are lonely. True love does exist, but it isn’t something you can buy. Professionals can help you with mechanics, image, technique, and marketing, but ultimately it is up to you to find your soul mate.

Send questions to Coach Lea at lea@northvalleymagazine.com, and you may get the coaching you need in the next issue.

By Rhona Raskin

Well-meaning people who can’t match a polo shirt to a pair of pants are all too eager to match you up with a lifelong partner for kissing and towel sharing. The urge to merge two friends transcends expertise and insight. It’s primal and powerful. Your friends think you’ll be happier coupled up. A buddy of ten years will consider you picky if you turn down an intro to her third cousin Wilbur—the poet who has finally stumbled on the best medicine for adult acne.

So why go on a blind date at all? The concept continues to exist because it actually works on occasion. Your well-intentioned comrades hope you will be the one to score. They want to be invited to the wedding and be able to tell The Story of How They Met.

Here are some road rules for making the best of blind dates:

1. Get pertinent information about the potential “datee” before the meeting. If you need an “out” clause, it’s easier to find one earlier than later. “Oh, gee, I have a big thing about not dating anyone whose religion is vastly different than mine” sounds so much better than complaining afterwards about how you hated bagging sandwiches while he fulfilled his Saturday morning door-to-door theological requirements.

2. Ask your friends why they think this encounter will enrich your life. Anyone who can’t come up with a great reply in fifteen seconds doesn’t really think there is a reason. Guilt is not a good reason to date.

3. Talk on the phone first. This will give you a small window into the mysterious world he or she inhabits.

4. Bring someone along to keep the conversation rolling—preferably, the friends whose bright idea it was to mingle your genetic material with that of a vegetarian lawyer who spends every Friday night with his mom and her tap-dancing group.

5. Do not wear a T-shirt proclaiming any political bent, or anything emblazoned with cute sayings like “Vegans Unite” or “Rehab is for Quitters.” Don’t recruit for any cause over bagels. And don’t argue.

6. Wear comfortable clothes. The jaunty lace bolero requires too much input during a feast at the hot-dog wagon. Go casual.

7. Make it short. Lunch is good. Breakfast is better. If the meet is a bust, a couple of eggs over easy and you’re out of there. If it’s a success, then you have the rest of the afternoon to wander through the downtown museum together.

8. Don’t get all worked up. This is a mere moment in the life of the universe, not an appointment to the position of Ambassador to the UN.

9. Be nice. It doesn’t matter whether you are interested in giving him your number or Dr. Kevorkian’s—people are people and their feelings are precious, just like yours. Despite bravado or indifference, kindness is an act of self-preservation. We all like to think we have some redeeming quality, even if the encounter is a bust.

10. And finally, under no circumstances lower yourself to a pathetic ball of fraud or powerlessness by arranging sneaky escape hatches at the other person’s expense. A guy I know told his blind date he’d pick her up on the corner. When he passed by, he wasn’t impressed, so he kept driving. Writer Larry Klein suggests telling your date the clothes you’d be wearing and then wearing something different—similar ruse, same bad feelings. If you can’t stand an hour over coffee with a fellow human, your ethical battery needs recharging. Remember: It’s just a moment in time.

When Bryan Nuorala decided to make his proposal to girlfriend Heidi Huffaker a surprise, Diva Dogs Boutique stepped up to the plate. They arranged for his dog, Tucker, to be groomed and then outfitted with a specially embroidered doggy shirt, as well as a ring designed by Bryan himself and made at Moda Fina Fine Jewelers in Phoenix. While Heidi was trying to figure out where the cute new shirt and leash came from, Bryan got down on one knee and proposed. An ecstatic Heidi said yes. And, it looks as if even before the wedding begins, Bryan and Heidi will have one more addition to the family of three. No, it’s not what you’re thinking—the little ring bearer carried a note that read, “Dad and I talked it over, and we decided you can get a puppy.”

Diva Dogs Boutique is located in the Cave Creek Marketplace at 20235 North Cave Creek Road Suite 102 in Phoenix. (602) 788-1576

By Lea Friese-Haben

Will he call? It’s that nagging question we ask ourselves after a great first date.

The possibilities of a new romance often can cause a man and a woman to prematurely obsess and fantasize about a relationship. Chemistry between two people really is just chemistry. Your body is responding to elevated levels of dopamine and norepinephrine. Remember, this euphoric state is temporary, and is not love!

Five tips to stop obsessing and keeping your sanity:

1. Make plans for dinner with friends the day after your date.
2. Work out frequently! It keeps your endorphins up.
3. Go shopping and treat yourself to something nice.
4. Take a class on something that interests you.
5. Make coffee and lunch dates with several people so you don’t fixate on one particular person.

By Lea Friese-Haben

Dear Coach Lea,

I find myself attracted to women who are beautiful but mean. They are the type of woman who dates others behind my back, or the kind who is only after my money. I never seem to find nice women. I find myself attracting women who are mean-spirited and only interested in what I can do for them. I would love a wife and a family, but none of the women I seem to attract is good spouse material, much less mother material. How do I change this?

Dear Beauty Chaser,
I am concerned that you seem to keep attracting women who bring pain into your life. I am also concerned that you place so much value on beauty, which is such a fleeting attribute. You can always expect to be burned when you venture too close to the flame. I think you should find a therapist who can help you discover why you continue to attract these women. Whatever you are thinking is what you are creating. Your perception of the situation has become your reality. Change is never easy, but it is always worth the effort if it enables you to keep from repeating the same mistake. There is a reason you are attracted to these women, and a good therapist will help you discover why and help you to change the pattern. I wish you luck—keep me posted.

Dear Ms. Lea,
I met an absolutely fabulous man yesterday. Although yesterday was our first date, I can’t wait to see him again. He told me that he has not dated for a long time and that his last relationship ended badly. I have been looking for a man like him for my entire life. I think we have a real shot at a future, and am just curious as to what my next move should be. What would you do?

Dear Desperate,
Wow—scary. You could see all that after one date! Did you see the movie Fatal Attraction? What about character, integrity, family values, religious beliefs, culture, and other issues that are essential to a good marriage? All these things are revealed with time, and not over a couple of hours. You need to put the brakes on!
At this early stage, step back and see what unfolds. It has been one day since you met the guy. Why not give him a little time and some breathing room? The journey is just as important as the destination—so quit trying to rush it!
Men can smell desperation from a hundred yards away and will ultimately do whatever they must do to get away from desperate women. Why not try a different approach, such as being friendly and outgoing—not to mention self-sufficient—instead of looking for a man to rescue her?

Dear Coach,
I met a great woman at a wedding this weekend, and I would absolutely love to see her again. We had a really nice long conversation, and were seated at the same table during the reception. She left early, but did ask for my phone number before her departure. I was so excited that she asked—and as a result, I forgot to ask for hers. She hasn’t called yet and I am a little anxious. Should I call some friends and get her number, or should I wait for her to call?

Dear Excited,
Hmmm…it depends on how much time has transpired. If it has been more than three days, I would call the friend and get the phone number. If you really want to impress her, ask her out with flowers. It’s a very sweet gesture and will really make an impact. Make sure that the flowers are not red roses.

Dear Lea,
I am living with a great guy—not perfect, but great just the same. The problem is that my family and friends do not like him and do not want me with him, as they say he is to controlling. He does not like to spend time with any of my family or friends and forbids me to attend any of their events. This hurts my feelings, and he gets angry if I even bring up the subject. He said that if I love him, I should be happy with our relationship and not need to attend these events, and that he should be enough for me. I love him, but I love my friends and family, too—why do I have to choose between them?

Dear Denial,
Your relationship is not based on love. It is based on manipulation and control. You are in denial. I know from my own personal experience that a great guy would not ask you to choose between him and your friends and family. A man who tries to alienate you from your family is only concerned with his needs, not yours. Everyone wants to feel needed by those they love, but this is not the same thing. This man has no self-esteem and is relying on you to validate him. Without professional help, this situation will only get worse. There are even documented cases of such situations escalating to violence. Remember, someone who loves you and wants your happiness would never ask you for such a sacrifice! Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you can change him either (look at how hard it is to change ourselves). Please reconnect with your family—that’s what they are there for. I wish you luck and much courage. Please let me know how it is going. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

By Lea Friese-Haben

Dear Fabulous Singles,

I am being bombarded again with the frustrations of online dating. I know that a number of you are frustrated with the usual misrepresentations—age, height, weight, financial status—but I have encountered a problem that is even more frustrating: marital status. In this column, I will be addressing ways to recognize these types of situations so that you may avoid some of the pitfalls that accompany these types of encounters.

Dear Coach Lea,

I have been dating an absolutely amazing woman whom I had met via the Internet. The two of us have been dating about three months. She claimed to be a traveling sales rep, which easily explained her consistent absence. We talked every day, and our physical connection was awesome. She said she was divorced and had split custody of her six-year-old daughter. I have never been to her place because she said she didn’t want to introduce me to her daughter until she was sure where the relationship was going. Made sense to me, as I am a parent as well. I decided to send her flowers for her birthday, and that is when everything fell apart. It turns out she is a stay-at-home mom and is married to an attorney who came looking for me after I sent the flowers. (He threatened the florist if he did not reveal the sender’s identity). I am shocked . I knew guys did this sort of thing, but I am shocked to find out that this woman who seemed so perfect could live such a double life. Now what do I do? How can I ever trust another woman?

Dear Shocked,

The good news is that you can protect yourself. Ask a lot of questions next time. Get all her phone numbers. Meet her friends. Go to her home. And, go with your gut, especially if she says she travels a lot or if she has an extremely limited time frame.

Dear Coach Lea,

I am sooo angry right now. I have been dating someone I met on the Internet. We have been dating for about a month, and it has been going great ! We have so much fun, and just made love for the first time. The problem is, I just found out that he is married. One of the guys at my office saw us together and pulled me aside to warn me that he is married with two kids. I was so devastated, I took off three days from work. I really thought he was the one. I of course confronted him, and he gave me such a lame excuse: his wife doesn’t understand him and that it’s all over except for the paperwork. Interestingly enough, I was out with my girlfriends for breakfast after church, and there he was at the restaurant—him, his wife, and his two kids. Once a liar, always a liar!

Dear Angry,

It’s OK to be angry! You were duped by a man who obviously isn’t capable of an honest and open relationship. Consider yourself lucky—this poor wife of his will always have to deal with his lies and infidelity. Don’t swear off Internet dating simply because of this man—it is a great resource when used responsibly and with certain precautions.

Dear Coach Lea,

I have been married to my husband for eleven years and have two children with him, ages 8 and 9. My husband is always on the computer. A few weeks ago, he forgot to shut off his computer and I happened to see his instant message from a woman he apparently has been seeing. She was very graphic about him sexually, and I of course immediately IMd her and asked who she was. She wrote that she had been seeing him about six months and that she thought he had filed for divorce. I immediately confronted my husband and he confessed to everything. I gave him an ultimatum—counseling or divorce. We have just gone to our second counseling session and I still don’t know how I feel. I am so confused.

Dear Confused,

Lea

For questions regarding relationships and dating, contact Lea Friese-Haben at relationships@northvalleymagazine.com.

By Lea Friese-Haben

Dear Fabulous Singles: This issue’s column addresses the taboo subject of dating a friend’s ex. This is not a good thing—no excuses—and the repercussions aren’t fun, either. Read on.

Dear Coach Lea,

I am in a quandary. My best friend Susan broke up with her boyfriend three months ago. I ran into him last week while clubbing with another friend. He is gorgeous and a lot of fun. He asked me out, and I really want to go. I am afraid to tell Susan, as she was really devastated when he broke up with her. He said that the breakup was mutual and that there was no need to feel bad. I really want to go out with him. What should I do?

Dear Friend,

Put yourself in Susan’s shoes. This will probably end the friendship if you decide to pursue this relationship. How would you feel if Susan dated the ex who just broke your heart? Relationships come and go, but a good friendship isn’t worth giving up just because of a few raging hormones. Take her to lunch, and give him the boot.

Dear Lea,

I have been divorced for about six months. I have been dating my ex-wife’s best friend for two months now, and feel like I should tell my ex. Tammy is freaking out and begging me not to say anything to my ex. She is afraid that it will jeopardize her friendship. (I think it will end their friendship—I basically left my wife to pursue the relationship with Tammy as she told me she could never date a married man). I am caught in the middle and am sick of the guilt.

Dear Guilty,

How did you think it would turn out? It’s a little late to feel guilty now. You have taken two relationships away from your ex. That is not fair. These kinds of relationships never workout, and karma will undoubtedly come back to bite you hard. Couldn’t you have found someone to date who didn’t have a connection to your wife? Come clean and end the relationship now before it escalates.

Dear Coach Lea,

My best friend and I have been together since we were 9, and we are now both 27. Her ex broke up with her last year on New Year’s Eve. He and I work at the same company and he has expressed an interest in me. He is very sexy and a lot of time has gone by. (They only dated for two years—it’s not like they were married). I told one of our friends and she was absolutely horrified, and said that if I pursued the relationship, she could not talk to me anymore. She said that the rest of our gang would shun me as well. What should I do.? I really like this guy. I know my girlfriend hasn’t gotten over him yet, but how long should I wait to date him? I am anxious to see him in the open and have our friends accept it.

Dear Anxious,

This relationship is a first-class trip to nowhere. Would you want to be with a guy who would dump a person on New Year’s Eve? That is kind of heartless. You have been friends with this woman for eighteen years. What kind of friend are you? If you should try to pursue this, you will lose her forever, as well as all the friends whom you currently share with her. There isn’t going to be a woman in your circle who will ever trust you around her significant other after the disrespect and treatment you have shown your friend of eighteen years. Keep your friend and dump the dude. Men are like buses—there is always another one coming.

Dear Fabulous Daters,

A friend is someone who accepts us for who we are and is always there for us, come rain or shine. Take stock in the current friends that you have, and extend the kindness and courtesy that they show you. A true friend is a priceless gift.