By Lea Friese-Haben

Dear NV readers—I’ve received an unbelievable quantity of mail in reaction to Tiger Woods’s indiscretions. The following are two such letters.

Noticing Links

Dear Lea,

I am really upset about the whole Tiger Woods story. I too have had a philandering husband. [Woods’s] wife, Elin, is beautiful and a great mother who has shied away from the press—choosing to make a somewhat normal life for her family. They are still pretty much newlyweds—I don’t get it…My husband and I were only married a year when I found out about the first of his thirteen affairs. I guess I thought Tiger was different. My son has looked up to him as a role model. If Elin Woods can’t keep her husband faithful, how can the rest of us ever hope to have a faithful, loving relationship?

Unlucky in Love

Dear Unlucky,

You are not alone. Many people were upset with the news of Tiger’s affair. (That is the problem with putting people on pedestals—the fall is far). I would like to point out, however, that it is a private matter, and unfortunately, because of Tiger’s celebrity status, there are probably some inaccuracies. I had to reread your letter—I am shocked that you stayed married to a man who has had thirteen affairs, if indeed you did. I don’t really have enough information to go on regarding your situation, so my response will be somewhat generalized. There seem to be a few common trends when it comes to infidelity. Some men do have sex addictions, but I have found that most married men are not looking for a one-night stand—they are looking for a lost connection. It is rare for this to happen in the short span of a year (it’s generally five to seven), but my male clients have revealed to me over and over again that they feel neglected and saddened by their wives’ loss of interest in them. The majority of the men I have consulted feel that their wives are preoccupied with the house and the kids and that they have become an afterthought. Once the relationship becomes a roommate situation, it becomes more difficult to resolve. I also hear that men are bored with the same dull routine. They like their wives to change things up—sexy lingerie once in a while, for instance. (A sexy text or a seductive voicemail can do a lot to keep the home fires burning hot). One of the most important things to remember is that men need to feel appreciated and wanted. (As human beings, we all want to feel special to someone. Men do feel deeply—they just communicate it differently). Although infidelity is not at all justified, most of the time it comes as a result of both parties and not just the one who had the affair.

Lea

Hold That Tiger, Buddy!

Dear Lea,

I read your columns and find your advice pretty much dead on most of the time. I am writing to you about the Tiger Woods story. I am about Tiger’s age and have been married about five years and am considering having an affair. My wife is completely preoccupied with our 3-year-old. She wears T-shirts and boxers to bed and has lost all interest in me sexually. I consider myself lucky if we have sex once a month. I am attractive and work out and keep myself in shape—women in my office find me attractive, and a couple have asked me out. I love my wife, but I can’t stand the fact that she is letting herself and our relationship go. She got me into reading your columns, so I am hoping you choose to print my letter. I just feel so rejected by her.

P.S. I am an avid golfer. I have hidden my golf clubs after the violence Tiger experienced. LOL.

Avid Golfer

Dear Avid Golfer,

I am glad that you decided to write about rather than act on your current options. I don’t know whether you have talked to your wife about your concerns, but you should if you haven’t. I have had a small child a home and know that sometimes it’s tough to feel sexy when you are dealing with dirty diapers and sleep deprivation. It is really important during these times, however, to stay connected and communicate. You may want to take a few things upon yourself, such as buying her some pretty clothes as well as lingerie and treat her to a day at the spa. Let her know how beautiful she is and that you want to make her feel special. A lot of overwhelmed moms are tired and feel less than sexy. If you help her in subtle ways to feel good about herself, you will reap the benefits. I really think you will see big dividends with just a just a few small gestures. (Ever notice how we are drawn to people who make us feel good about ourselves?) Make her feel special and important and communicate with her—then you won’t have to hide the golf clubs. Keep me posted!

Lea

Final Thought

Staying connected is vital and is the responsibility of both parties. It really does take two to make a relationship work, to ensure that the “worse” portion of “for better or for worse” is but a fleeting moment in time. One party should not be expected to shoulder all the responsibility.

FOR HER

Women can never have too much jewelry, so consider this 14k white-gold custom ring with two-carat heart-shaped pink sapphire and diamonds for the special woman in your life. $3,000 at Treasures Custom Jewelers. (623) 486-7875 or treasuresforyou.com

It’s true that (most) women love chocolate, but not just the chocolate that comes in a box. Or in ice cream cartons, in fancy-restaurant desserts, and coating fresh strawberries. Chocolate facials are one of the many other delightful forms of chocolate, and Par Exsalonce is offering one such tempting treatment for Valentine’s Day. The antioxidant-rich chocolate smoothes and refines skin and is a wonderful stress reliever. At a special price of $120, but must be ordered by February 13. parexsalonceaz.com

FOR HIM

Treat your guy to some high-quality pampering at one of V’s Barbershop’s seven Valley locations. Yes, you could get him that much-needed haircut or a straightedge shave, but V’s also carries some top men’s grooming products, framed sports-themed artwork, and more. vbarbershop.com

Keep him on time with a Luminox EVO Navy SEALs Dive Watch from Cabela’s. It’s a handsome timepiece with highly scratch-resistant sapphire glass crystal—perfect for when he’s out working, playing, or hunting—and a stainless steel case that protects it from moisture to a depth of 660 feet—most desirable for when he takes you on that trip to the Caribbean….$549.99 or $649.99 (steel bracelet) at cabelas.com

FOR BOTH

For more personalized, individual gifts or those that are rare or hard to find, consider antiquing! The Brass Armadillo Antique Mall boasts over 600 antique dealers and features aisles filled with collectibles of every sort, from Depression glass to military items to Star Wars memorabilia. It’s the perfect place to shop for either men or women. (602) 942-0030 or brassarmadillo.com/phoenix

Exotic trips are a special way to celebrate love, and India is rich with romantic getaway spots, gorgeous architecture, festive traditions, vibrant dress, intimate dining, and sensual spices. It has more than the enchanting Taj Mahal to entice couples looking for a new and exciting experience. tourindia.com or india-unveiled.com

Perhaps you and your special someone would rather not stress over dinner reservations and would prefer a romantic evening in instead. Hire a personal chef for your Valentine’s Day meal! Private cooking lessons are also available and are an interactive culinary treat you might consider. chefdujour.com, seasoningsbyrex.com, azcustomcuisine.com, hireachef.com

FOR SINGLES

The single life is an exciting one! No pity gifts necessary. But if you wish to treat your single friend to something nice for Valentine’s Day, a gift certificate to his or her favorite store is a great option. It’s something they can take advantage of alone or with friends, and it gives them money they must spend on something fun, something they like, and something that makes them feel great about themselves!

Forget your own single status and pay a visit to those who are aware of their single status daily. Nursing homes and similar facilities are good places to consider, but you may know of someone in your community or your neighborhood who has lost his or her life partner and could use a little company on this particular day. Go together to a place or an event that was special to your friend and his or her partner, or create brand new adventures for yourselves. Everyone should feel important on Valentine’s Day, and making someone else have a good feeling is one of the greatest gifts you could give.

By Lea Friese-Haben

Soldier Boy, Oh, My Little Soldier Boy

Dear Lea,

I am 23 years old and am at odds with my friends and family over a soldier I met online. We have not met, but have been writing to each other faithfully for nine months. I am certain that I love him and he has professed his love to me. My parents and friends think that it is stupid and that you can’t fall in love online. I have never felt like this before in my life. Am I kidding myself, or can I love him? Is it possible to love someone you haven’t even met?

Thanks,
Waiting for My Hero

Hi, Waiting,

It is very possible to fall in love online. Match.com has the highest number of marriages resulting from online romance. I like that the two of you are communicating and that there isn’t the possibility of a random booty call. You are really getting to know each other and establishing a solid foundation based on communication instead of sex. Years ago, war brides were pen pals to soldiers—this seems to be the more modern venue. You will have to meet at some point, but you have established a long and meaningful connection, which will serve your relationship well. Chemistry and attraction will also come into play, but with good communication and photographs, I think that your love can be very real! I would also invite you to try Skype, a software program that lets you make free calls to anyone else Skyping on the Internet. You can see each other and talk on your computer. I am excited for you—and please thank your soldier for his service. Keep me posted.

Bringing the Inside Out

Dear Lea,

I am recently divorced and find myself on the market again after twenty-two years of marriage. I realize that I have neglected my appearance, but I am wondering, outside of surgery, is their anything that I can do? When I went to your Web site, I noticed that we are about the same age, but I look about ten years older. What is your secret? I have been on six Internet dates and they have all been disasters. I know I have a few pounds to lose, but am not sure what else is available. My husband left me for a younger woman nine months ago and I am devastated. However, I look at you and other women our age, and it gives me hope. Can you help me?

Ready to Work

Hi, Ready,

Thank you for the kind words. I do have a few ideas for you, but first, confidence is very sexy. If you don’t feel good about your appearance, how can you ever expect a man to? The best way to take years off is to be happy. Do things you love to do. Rediscover yourself. Men are attracted to women who have a life. They want to be part of your world but don’t want to be ultimately responsible for it. Here are a few other tips. Updating your hairstyle can be very dramatic and can take years off. Don’t smoke—smoking adds lines to your face, especially around the mouth—limit alcohol, exercise, and eat right. Drink plenty of water, take necessary vitamins, and perhaps consult a naturopathic doctor for other natural ways to enhance your body or visit a licensed dermatologist or plastic surgeon who can recommend a nutritious cream for your skin. Ask your physician for recommendations. All of these things are good, but there is no substitute for a positive attitude. In order to get what you want, you have to be what you want to attract. You get to design your own life, Ready. Make it a good one!

Depression is a Disease

Dear Lea,

I am writing to you on behalf of my single 29-year-old daughter who is overweight and has never had a date before in her life. I see the depression in her and I worry about her, as she is now borderline diabetic. We have tried everything. She wants to be in relationship desperately, and it just won’t happen, given her weight. The more depressed she gets, the more she eats. I don’t know what to do. Her friends and sisters are all married, and I see the pain that causes her. We have tried just about everything—you name the program. Do you have any suggestions?

Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom,

Obesity is a huge problem in the United States. I have found that most of my clients with weight issues are stuffing feelings and problems with food. I do not believe in diets and believe that health professionals should be involved. Your daughter’s emotional and physical health are at risk. Your daughter may even be covered by insurance. If your daughter wants love in her life, she needs to start with love of self. Be sure to contact your physician and ask him or her to recommend a doctor who can prescribe a complete program under doctor’s care to safely ensure weight loss. Good luck to you and your family.

Lea

By Lea Friese-Haben

She Took Her Love to Town

Dear Lea,

I can’t believe that I am writing to you, as I am shocked to be in this situation. I am 39 years old, successful in business, married fourteen years with three beautiful children. My wife now says she wants to leave me for another man, who is also married. She went on a “girl trip” in April to San Diego and met someone there, and has been secretly carrying on ever since. I don’t know what to do. One minute, she says that it as just a fling and that it’s over, but yet she is still texting him. The next I know, she is cleaning out our checking account, maxing out our credit cards, and moves out while I am at work. My poor kids are a mess and are so confused. I love her and yet I am not sure that I can ever forgive her or trust her after all of this. Her parents and sisters are in shock and have fortunately sided with me. I am dumbfounded. What should I do?

Signed,
Confused

Dear Confused,

I see this all the time with women who are about to turn 40. Most of the time it is not about you—it’s about her and what she feels she may be missing. She is feeling insecure about herself and is looking for validation outside herself as well as outside the marriage. I would do what you can to protect your finances and try to get her into counseling. Some marriages can be salvaged after infidelity, but honestly, the percentages are small, and it takes a lot of work to earn the trust back. Make sure that the children and you receive the necessary counseling. This is usually a phase and she will probably try to keep you as a safety net or try to come back once it is over. The other man involved probably won’t leave his wife, as it is rare that they ever do. She will want to come back after the relationship fails. It’s my personal and professional belief that if people stray once, they will probably stray again. My advice is to take care of yourself and your children and be very careful with your heart and your finances. Good luck, and keep me posted.

Lea

Don’t Dress Like a Cub

Dear Coach Lea,

I saw you on the news recently and you had given a woman a “Cougar Makeover.” My sister desperately needs your help. My niece and nephew are horrified with her wardrobe and her behavior. I read your columns and I hope that she will heed your advice as a professional, as nothing my mom and I have said has made a difference. She is dating a guy that is only five years older than her son. I wish I could have taped that newscast, as she is worse than the cougar you had on the show. I would love for her to meet a great guy, but she never will as long as she continues on this path. Can you define a cougar-gone overboard the way you did on the news? My sister is 42 trying to be 20, and quite frankly, it’s embarrassing to be seen with her. I loved the classy makeover you did for the cougar on the show.

Thank you,
Concerned Sis

Dear Sis,

I had lots of phone calls, e-mails and Facebook comments after that show. For future reference, that episode aired on FOX 10 on July 28 and is archived on the Web site at myfoxphoenix.com.

Cougar-Gone-Bad Checklist

• Overdone breasts

• Overly injected lips

• Bad hair extensions

• So much Botox that all facial expression is gone

• Miniskirts (Never after the age of 35)

• Pamela Anderson hair

• Clothes that are too tight or too young

• Dating men that are closer to the age of their children

It is my personal belief that a woman any age and any size can look and feel beautiful with the right help. Real beauty comes from within and radiates outward. If your sister wants happiness in a relationship, she needs to change the bait that she is currently using. A beautiful, confident, sexy woman will always fare better in love than an older woman trying too hard to look too young. My advice is to quit living in the past and make the most of what you have! Have her contact me. Keep me posted and tell her to check out the video.

Lea