Ask Dirk: A guy’s perspective on matters of the heart and home

Ask Dirk

A guy’s perspective on matters of the heart and home.

Dirk,

I have been having trouble with a guy I work with. He is always harassing me with terrible puns and repeating the same jokes over and over again, week after week. It’s incessant. It’s driving me nuts. He thinks it’s funny but it really just gets on my nerves and disrupts the office. This particular gent walks into the office and tells me he “tied all of his watches into a belt last night.” Then after a pregnant pause he adds, “It was a waist of time!” To boot, this guy laughs at his own joke. He usually follows it up by telling me he gave away a bunch of dead batteries–– “Free of charge.” Then to top it all off he always closes with this one: “Have you heard about that new restaurant on the moon? The food’s pretty good, but there’s just no atmosphere.”

Please, oh, please, make it stop!

––Anonymous.

Anonymous (aka Chad),

Don’t even play, I know it’s you. It’s not enough that you complain about me at work, but now you are harassing me at the magazine! Who gave you this email address? Doesn’t matter––point is, it’s never going to stop. You know you think I’m funny. Heck, I’m hilarious. Never mind all the people standing up telling me to hush, while crying from laughter, and all that noise from the supervisors about no one getting any work done. I see right through it. I can see your face flushed red and your jaw pulsing as you grind your teeth––you’re fighting to hold back laughter, no doubt.

Oh, yeah, and Chad, there’s a new movie called Constipation. But it hasn’t come out yet. Here’s one last one to close out with: Chad, my wife asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down!

Top 5 Funniest Jokes

According to onepoll.com, these are the top five funniest jokes ever told. We’re not so sure we agree, but you decide.

5. I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays.”

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging, and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”

3. Dyslexic man walks into a bra…

2. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”