M.D. Thalmann laments his poor choices at Oktoberfest and football games

Fall Follies 

M.D. Thalmann laments his poor choices at Oktoberfest and football games

Small pox isn’t the only reason to thank European colonists! That’s right, I said it. Those pasty complected discoverers of already inhabited continents brought us style, culture, celebrations, sports, and libations. They likewise opened the door for all sorts of other interesting people to bring other wonderful bits of enlightenment to the drab land we see around us. This month I’m thankful for fall weather and all the fun that brings! I don’t know if it was the Pilgrims or the Aztecs or Native Americans who brought what to where, or when. I’m waiting for history to repeat itself and I’ll learn it then. To whomever it is we owe thanks for the wonderful celebrations—along with the exciting version of football (soccer is soccer, and not exciting. If my 4 year old can do it, it’s not a sport)—I can tell you a few ways to keep them safer and more––or less––politically correct.

I’ve been trained to behave badly at social events and in magazine articles and books and so on, so I have a lifetime, or at least about half of one’s worth of don’ts, and I can save you some of the trouble (or as some call it, fun). When it comes to this time of year I have two favorite celebratory events (Tailgating at American football games and Oktoberfest), neither of which can be directly attributed to the pilgrims, so let’s cover those.

Oktoberfest is a great idea for Valley residents who want to explore the wonderful German culture and food. This proud nation single handedly started, or at least instigated, two world wars and didn’t win a one. They also created horrible pants with a funny name and they invented the ugliest car on the Planet Earth (the lunar rover is the only one uglier). I think the Germans did all of these things for the same reasons: their food is terrible and their leather pants were riding up.

Anyway, when at Oktoberfest, it’s best to avoid certain behaviors. My go-to is to drink to excess and discuss unpopular politics. For example: “Boy Churchill really knew a thing or two about handling those krauts!” In case you were leaning that way, do not. It can never end well.

Also, do not, memorize obscenities in German to shout at passersby, because, I mean, why would you (why did I)?

I, likewise, have not found it to be a valuable use of my time to complain to each and every operator of a booth or tent about the size of the tiny beer stein necklace with which you are forced to order 2 ounces of lager at a time, and how impractical that is when compared to the gigantic plate of sausage and sauerkraut. “I use a bigger cup for my mouthwash,” I say. “You probably should,” they say. They obviously don’t care about my issues.

And as to my other favorite fall event. I love to play, watch, and discuss football. It should be noted that no persons currently engaged in, or ever wishing to be engaged in, parenthood should ever paint their bare chests and allow themselves to be filmed at a football game. You aren’t helping the Cardinals, but may potentially damage your child’s chances of getting into a good preschool. The most important thing to remember is that football is back!

Here is a tip that I wish I could’ve given myself last time I was tailgating: Unless it specifically says, “Light the bag,” you do not light the bag. My bratwursts were covered in chemical compounds and ash flakes and people made fun of me. Luckily I was wearing the tiny beer stein (I wear it a lot) because it turns out that having a tiny cup around your neck is pretty handy when trying to put out an entire bag of match light charcoal.

Anyway, back to Oktoberfest. Don’t wear lederhosen. Ever. Especially the genuine leather ones, which are impossible to get on and off in a Porta Potty. Trust me, you’re going to have problems that no one else is having when wearing lederhosen.

In any event, or at any event, remember that traffic is going to be a thicket of terrible drivers and that you don’t need the hassle, so call an Uber and have as much fun as you can while you’re still young enough to enjoy it.

Disclaimer

Editor’s note: The opinions and advice given in this column in no way reflect those of the editorial staff––at least those that we’d express openly.